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11/27/09 01:03 pm - Lingering Dream Cathartic Indeed

Sometimes I feel like the rebel vampire that has already been through this all to many times. If you have an old soul does that not make you that much older? At what point do you realize your past lives and at what point do the lost years stack upon your heavy soul. Is it like a wakening that sparks your mind full of wisdom and knowledge? Is it when the doors to other rooms open in a split second like in those near death experiences?

Let my words contradict themselves in symmetrical halves that only connect by those invisible lines we call reality. Just aching to be heard over the void that is my backyard. So many holes being dug to put the bodies in, so many marked graves to put names on to. The mark of a soldier bears the mark of all life. A soldier of war, a soldier of life, a soldier of the mind. Does it yet not come with a grotesque vision of lucidity like dream walking into minefields. At the end I would just love to see my life flash before my eyes and be able to remember it in the next life. Oh tiger behind the tree hear my cry as I bleed onto the grass. Be the hunted one they so much love to chase in the waking hour of the day. Be the vengeance hiding behind the bush, be the hyena they so deserve.

Thy anger cloud my judgment in intervals of confusion and despair. For it is only the blanket that keeps me warm in the coldest of nights. The arctic chill of life creeps along my skin as I shiver. I shiver only to be reminded of a time of my past. A time when the air was not so cold but warm and vibrant like the sun. The leaves had a certain sentimental value to them even in the younger years. Memories harbor the anger that fills my void between the love loss in my life. The outlaw only sings of sadness, but dances to the happiness out of the sadness.

Walking down that road, may I never look back. May I never look back.

11/27/09 12:57 pm - Sometimes I wonder...

Sometimes I wonder how I am able to just build off of three simple words and spiral it down into some off the wall random rant. Of course never really being as random as I think it is as it somehow connects to each other. Letting the words speak for themselves with little simple signs of direction like streetlights telling me to go or stop. I never really seem to understand the point I am getting across until it is made available through the process of trial and error. I repeat this never-ending simplified version of trying to explain myself after each sentence that I say. Maybe it's because of the way I think or the irrational thought patterns I purposely create in my head.

I use this music to metal my angst pure and divine in my eyes of lucidity. Let it announce my cathartic screams by themselves in wrinkled sheets of music forgotten years ago in some coffee spilt vanilla folder. Maybe somehow trying to reach out to something other than myself convincing I am something other than myself. Anything to not be alone from the torment of a series of ideas that are never recorded. Might as well make it known to the world make it known to the masses en route to the high steeple on that high cliff. When the rain falls through the cracks in the roof we know in these moments everything becomes much more surreal like in those pin up movies we adore so much.

What am I waiting for? I have everything I need to move on. I know everything I need to move on. I am everything I need to move on. Yet I remain here in this cave of unsolicited arguments with myself that last for days. When are the moment of all moments going to clash together and give me that epiphany I so desperately need? Do we force such things to happen, or do we merely wait for our turn in the great scheme of things? Am I just going through the motions of a life I have dreamed about since I was a kid?

I type down these words and let it sink in and reflect upon them. Somehow seeing myself from outside the body looking down at this little dumb black keyboard. It clatters when the keys strike down so loud like the beats of a tribal war drum hanging over that great pedestal in my mind. For every reason in the world I do this or none at all for that matter. It is beginning to feel like things just don't matter anymore, other than the hope that drives my core. I have finally become the one that just let's people think what they want while I know the truth deep down and know that they will never know it. And of course not speaking in generalities like I claim to know it all but this is in regards to specific matters. Whenever you see a person that assumes something about you, do you let them know what's up or just simply walk away and ignore them like it never happened? Unless it's some kind of threat or has a tone of aggression I do the latter.

In the end are we just waiting for that final turnover. Are we forgetting why we are here? Do we even know why we are here? Do we even know why we look up at the night sky and wonder why it is so dark?
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